Leadership Development

Have you ever sat back and marveled at just how well things are going? Have you found yourself rejoicing that finally, things are calm, predictable and consistent? And, have you found yourself in these same moments worried sick that you may lose relevance, become complacent and fall into failure?

Human nature is to seek comfort and to avoid pain.

It is natural to relax and maintain the status quo following periods of hard work and challenging change. You don’t relax because you don’t want success, you relax because discomfort and pain are exhausting. It is hard to be motivated to change or improve when things are going well.

It is hard to be motivated to change or improve when things are going well.
– Richard Fagerlin

I was listening to a podcast by Andy Stanley recently and he said, “Every system will unconsciously conspire to maintain status quo and prevent change.” One of the most often repeated phrases you will ever hear me say is that “Every organization is perfectly designed to get the results it gets.” Organizations do what organizations are designed to do. Unless your organization is designed to innovate, improve and change – it will not.

I find that many leaders don’t want the status quo, they want to improve and they seek change. They also live in the whirlwind and fight the most urgent battles vs the most important ones. This cycle of living in the doom loop and reacting day by day to urgent but not important things prevents you from improving and becoming better.

Many leaders fear failure but more importantly, they fear becoming irrelevant.

In an effort to avoid irrelevancy, too many leaders follow fads, trends and the next best thing. Fighting the status quo and chasing fads are not the same thing. Fads are fads. They come and they go. It is the leader that truly desires to make things better and to improve every day that successfully fights the status quo and in turn, maintains relevancy.

Relevancy isn’t something that you achieve, it’s a result of your disciplined desire for making things better.
– Richard Fagerlin

Relevancy isn’t something that you achieve, it’s a result of your disciplined desire for making things better. Relevancy may come by doing the same thing for 40 years, but doing that thing better and better each day. It may come by reinventing yourself and changing your model and method annually. No matter how it comes, it comes by discipline and with purpose.

Let’s get practical…

Practical Idea #1:  Hot Shot

Last week at the Leadercast Live event I learned a great concept from Kat Cole, President of Focus Brands (Auntie Anne’s, Cinnabon, Schlotzsky’s, etc.).

The idea is called Hot Shot. Once a quarter or a couple of times a year you consider an important question.

If I left my job, business, organization tomorrow and a new Hot Shot came in and took over my role, what would be the first thing they would change?

Ask yourself this Hot Shot question and then do that.

Practical Idea #2:  Change your Design

If every organization is perfectly designed to get the results it gets, you need to change your design and quit complaining about your results. Look at all of the good going on and ask “How are we designed currently to get our good results?” If you don’t know the key things that drive and allow for your good results, you may not know what key things to keep doing.

Similarly, ask yourself “How are we designed currently to get our poor results?” Poor performance doesn’t happen by accident. Identify how you are designed to get the results you don’t want – stop doing those things and change your design.

Practical Idea #3:  Kill the Status Quo

Ask yourself where you are allowing status quo in your team, your life or your organization. Point it out. Give it a name. Create a plan to kill it. If you don’t identify the areas of status quo, you can’t prevent it.

LEAD STRONG

Relevancy isn’t something that you achieve, it’s a result of your disciplined desire for making things better. It doesn’t happen by accident and it isn’t easy. No great opportunity has ever come in a neatly wrapped package. If you are to maintain relevancy it starts with your desire to do so and the discipline to make it happen. You can do this!

Lead Well, Lead Often and LEAD STRONG!

Did you start 2016 off with a bang? Did you dream big and create huge goals? Did you narrow your focus, clear the clutter and get your eye on the prize? Yeah, me too.

Then you know what happened? Life happened, action happened, calendar happened and ultimately nothing happened.

I started 2016 with more force, focus and determination than any other year before. I created three Wildly Important Goals that demanded my focus for 2016 and nearing the halfway point of the year, I’ve essentially done nothing to pursue my most important goals.

It’s not like I went on a 5 month laziness bender. I didn’t check out and sit on the couch. I didn’t build a house, roam the beach and I didn’t go somewhere to find myself.

I did work. Lots of it. Good work in fact. Looking back, the past 6 months have generated more revenue, served more clients and accomplished more overall than any 6 month period in the past 15 years. Yet, I did nothing to achieve my Wildly Important Goals.

I don’t know about you but for me, it’s not bad things that get in the way of my focus, it’s good things. Really important things. And really urgent things.

The good news is, it’s never too late for a mid-course correction.

I knew by the end of January that I was going to have to put my head down, set my Wildly Important to the side and look up again on April 5^th. My calendar was completely full and the projects ahead demanded 100% of my energy. April 5^th was the date the calendar cleared and my energy could be re-focused. Well, April 5^th has come and gone and I may have taken a few more days to “catch my breath” than was needed. I have exhausted all of my excuses and good reasons why I can’t pursue my dreams. The time has come to own up to my own lack of focus and to begin holding myself accountable.

What do you do when all the excuses you used to not chase your dream are gone? What do you do then?
– Jon Acuff

I love this quote by Jon Acuff. Really, what are we to do once we have used up all of our excuses? What do we do when we can no longer blame the good, the important or the urgent for our lack of achieving our dreams?

We own it. We acknowledge our need to re-focus, then we do it.

Action Always beats intention.
– Jon Acuff

If you find yourself a bit off course, there is no time like today to put yourself back in line of site of your goals. Today is better than tomorrow and if you’ve run out of excuses, you’re at a dead end road.

• Re-evaluate your goals and adjust your plan for the remainder of the year
• Commit to the ONE THING you need to do this week to get back on track
• Evaluate what you must stop doing in order to achieve the most important
• Let yourself off the hook. You can’t change the past. Your future starts today
• Hold yourself accountable and share your new focus with others that can as well

You owe it to yourself and more importantly, you owe it to the people you desire to serve with your goals.

People are mistaken when they think chasing your dream is a selfish thing to do. As if perhaps being average is an act of humility. As if perhaps wasting the talents you were given is proof that you’re a considerate individual. It’s not.
– Jon Acuff

I have always known that there is power in great questions. I have heard it said that if you ask simple questions you get simple answers, ask powerful questions and you get powerful answers but most importantly if you ask no questions you will get no answers.

One of the best tools I have experienced is very simple, it’s easy to use and it is just three words: Start, Stop and Continue.

Asking these three questions can bring transformation, focus and clarity and it can do it almost immediately.

To bring clarity to a situation ask yourself…

“What should I START doing?”
“What should I STOP doing?”
“What should I CONTINUE doing?”

Pick an area of your life or your work that you want to focus on. Ask these three questions, then act on them.

If you have determined that in order to be a more effective leader you need to get better at seeking feedback from others then you may choose to Start asking your team members to tell you one area to improve on every month. You may want to Stop interrupting people and listening longer than you feel comfortable and you may decide to Continue your 360 degree feedback report each year.

In an effort to improve your relationship with your spouse or significant other you may want to Start writing one note a week and mailing it home. It might be good to Stop using your cell phone after 6 pm and you may Continue a weekly date night where no “business” is discussed.

If you desire to improve your health you may Start attending a group exercise class, Stop eating sugar for 30 days and Continue reading a weekly blog on healthy eating.

Whatever your goal and whatever your motivation, asking these three questions will help bring clarity and focus at a time when it is needed.

You can use the Stop, Start, Continue tool in many circumstances. After you have read a great book ask Stop, Start, Continue. After you attend a conference or seminar Stop, Start, Continue. When you are faced with a change Stop, Start, Continue. When you need to break a pattern or create new habits Stop, Start, Continue.

These might seem like simple questions but they aren’t. The process is simple but the depth of awareness is powerful. Sometimes simple things lead to powerful results.

Lead Well, Lead Often and LEAD STRONG!

January is the time of year when we create lists of goals and strategies to achieve success and live our best life. This is good and I hope you have done this. The problem is that you probably have created distractions and barriers to your success and you don’t even know it.

If you are looking for the easy button, the magic bullet and the ONE THING you need to do to achieve your goals, the answer is not what you think.

In order to find the answer to the ONE THING, you need to ask the question:

What is the ONE THING I need to do today/this week/this month that will best help me achieve my goal?

You don’t need a task list 20 items long. You don’t need a complex system comprised of strategies, priorities, initiatives and goals. You need to know 1 or 2 things that are wildly important and do that one thing every day, every week, and every month to get you there.

A wildly important goal or objective is one that makes all of the difference. If you fail to achieve this goal it leaves all other achievements inconsequential. Your wildly important goal affects all other goals and objectives.

Look at your existing goals and objectives for this coming year. What is the most important thing you can do that will help you to achieve these goals? If all things stay the same, what one change or action will best help you achieve your goals?

Once you have narrowed your list to 1 or 2 wildly important goals the next step is to determine the ONE THING.

For example:

GOAL

• ‍Lose 25 pounds by June 1^st
• Learn to speak a new language
• Grow sales by 15%
• Save $10,000

ONE THING WEEK # 1

• Count all of my calories daily this week
• Buy Rosetta Stone and listen to one hour
• Create an ideal client profile
• Create a family budget

GOAL

• ‍Lose 25 pounds by June 1^st
• Learn to speak a new language
• Grow sales by 15%
• Save $10,000

ONE THING WEEK # 2

• ^‍Limit calorie intake to 1,900/day or less
• Rosetta Stone for 1-hour 4x/week
• Make a list of ideal clients
• Craigslist items around the house not using

GOAL

• ‍Lose 25 pounds by June 1^st
• Learn to speak a new language
• Grow sales by 15%
• Save $10,000

ONE THING WEEK # 3

• ^‍Exercise 30 minutes 3x/week
• Meet 1x/week with someone to speak language
• Contact 2 ideal clients/day to set appointment
• Auto transfer $250/pay period to savings

‍

What is the ONE THING this month that if you do it, has the best opportunity of helping you achieve your goals?  Next, ask yourself, what is the ONE THING I must do this week to achieve my goals? Finally each day, you must ask yourself, what is the ONE THING that I have to do today to help me achieve my goals?

• At the end of each day ask yourself – Did I do the ONE THING today to achieve my goals?
• At the end of the week ask yourself – Did I do the ONE THING this week to achieve my goals?
• At the end of the month ask yourself – Did I do the ONE THING this month to achieve my goals?

If your answer to any of these questions is no, ask why, adjust the next day, and keep asking the question. This doesn’t simplify the goal setting process, it simplifies the goal achievement process.

Long to-do lists simply end up being procrastination reports. They end up longer each day than the day before. You get caught up in the whirlwind of life and rarely focus on the most important things. 20% of our activities produce 80% of the results. By asking “What is the ONE THING?” you will learn to spend more and more of your energy on the most important things.

Your ONE THING will change and it should change. Each week and each month your focus will adjust as you consistently achieve the ONE THING that is most important.

As you progress and alter your ONE THING you will gain clarity on the highest payoff activities. You will gain clarity of focus and you will learn to eliminate things that get in the way of your ONE THING.

Everyone wants to win. Everyone wants to do something that matters. Sometimes all that is standing in your way of success is just ONE THING.

Lead Well, Lead Often and LEAD STRONG!

Have you ever read the comments on a blog, online newspaper or magazine? How about Facebook? I’ve yet to meet someone that changed their views by the “intellectual debate” that lives in the comment section.

Sometimes loudly, sometimes quietly but always directly people share their thoughts and air their disagreements. I’m not saying we can’t disagree or that there isn’t value in debate and disagreements, there is great value in this. What I am saying is maybe the quote, thought or meme wasn’t written for you. Maybe the person posting or writing wasn’t trying to reach you. Maybe they didn’t want your comments and maybe you shouldn’t have given them your feedback.

The difference between effective feedback and ineffective feedback is easy to distinguish. The purpose of effective feedback is to help someone grow and improve. Everything else is noise and rarely helpful and not often valuable.

Whether it’s on social media, through email or in person people don’t often think about whether their feedback is effective or not.

The last thing we want is people walking on egg shells being worried about what they should say. What I do want is people focused on making their words count and to add value by using them.

The world needs less ideas and more action. Fewer answers and more questions. Less shouting and more listening. Less finger pointing and more engaging. Less telling people what to do and more doing it yourself.

If you are in a meeting, talking with co-workers, sitting at the dinner table or cruising the web, consider the following before sharing your comments and especially your disagreements.

1. Are you invited? Have you been asked for your opinion, thought, or idea? Is the expectation for you or others to give input? If not, before you give it, ask if it is welcome.
2. Are you adding value to the discussion? Will your feedback be helpful? Does it move the discussion, idea or project towards a better end result? Does it need to be said?
3. Do you know what other doors this is going to open? Consider for a moment what may come from your comments. Is this going to open doors and create conversations that are valuable? Hit fast forward on this and determine if it will cause unnecessary issues by sharing what you want to share.
4. Is your comment going to reflect the best version of you? Have you ever said something and afterwards regretted it? Be sure that what you are saying (and how you are saying it) is going to be a good reflection on you. Later on, when you are reflecting on your comments will you be proud of the way you represented yourself?
5. Do you have the “right” to say this? Do you have knowledge or authority or relationship to say what you want to say? Have you prepared the way for what you are going to say to be heard?
6. What would happen if you didn’t say anything? So, what would happen if you didn’t say anything? Would it ultimately be better or worse? Will it lead to the same or better outcome than saying something? Be careful and choose your words well.

Lead Well, Lead Often and LEAD STRONG!

Do you want to be more intentional about who you are spending your time with but don’t know how? This doesn’t take much more than time, focus and intention.

1. Who are the 5-10 people you currently are spending the most of your time with? Are they life giving or life sucking? Figure out how to spend more time with the life givers and how to influence the life suckers for good. Life givers don’t need much from you but you. They are honest and brave in how they talk with you about your challenges.

2. Be intentional about what you want from your core group of people. Think about what you want from this group and review it often. If you don’t know what you are looking to get, you’ll never know if you are receiving it.

Are you looking for: accountability, growth, support, challenge, strength, focus, resources? Whatever you are looking for, make sure you are clear about it and don’t be afraid to ask your inner circle to help you achieve it.

3. Create a list of people you want to get to know better. Don’t just create the list but identify why you want to grow closer to them. Then for each person, write down 5 things you can do to impact their lives for the positive.

4. Go to your calendar and every 6-8 weeks put an appointment in to connect in a meaningful way with your core group of influencers. It could be lunch, coffee, a phone call or an email. I love to connect with my inner circle when I am captive in the car on long drives. I set appointments to talk during these times or simply cycle through the list of my peeps until someone answers.

5. Connect with people from your past that made an impact on you. Write them a note and tell them what impact they made and thank them for it. Expect nothing other than to bless them. This may remind you to draw these past relationships back into your inner circle or it may just remind you of what you should be doing in other people’s lives.

6. Create a group that is just outside of your inner core. This group may not be the one you spend the most time with but you can still be intentional about connecting with them. I have a center of influence group that I seek to meet with or talk to 3-4 times a year. It is my job to make the connections, arrange the conversation and add value when we do connect. This may not be the inner circle group but it’s just as important to stay regularly connected.

7. Make it a contest to see who benefits the most from your relationship. When two people are in argument about who is getting the best end of a relationship, this becomes a life giving situation. Make it your goal to give more than you get.

8. Speak life. My college buddies were great. Our times together were fun and there was lots of joking and making fun of one another. So much so that if you didn’t know we were friends you might think that we were enemies. This can be fun but it doesn’t lend itself to bring the best out in each other when you are constantly looking for the worst. You can choose your words to speak life or to speak negativity. Choose life.

9. Ask deep and thoughtful questions, stop talking & really listen to what they have to say. Make sure you listen for meaning and really hear what they are saying.

10. Seek feedback from your inner circle. Sometimes we neglect seeking feedback because we might not hear what we want to. It can create conflict and make us feel uncomfortable. Be willing to get out of your comfort zone and invite your inner circle to speak into your life.

Does this seem cold, calculating, or opportunistic? It certainly doesn’t have to be. You can be selective and unselfish: By filling your life with amazing people you’ll be better able to serve the world and help others live their best lives.

Lead Well, Lead Often & LEAD STRONG!

You are what you eat and you are who you surround yourself with. I have a good friend who was a pastor to 20 somethings. From time to time he would get a call from someone who was in a really bad situation. They were either in jail or facing some serious punishment. When he would meet with them, one of the first questions he asked them was “Who have you been hanging out with.” He didn’t ask what they had done but rather who have they been doing it with.

Each time, their response was an indicator of how they ended up in this situation.

If you want to achieve greatness and to make a positive impact during your lifetime you must surround yourself with the right people. Be selective about who you spend your time with.

This message is great for teenagers and young adults but it preaches just as strong for the not so young as well. Don’t allow negative people to take up your time and bring you down. Doing so brings you down, holds you back and will never bring out the best in you.

Examine yourself right now and look at the 5-10 people you spend the most time with. If you are the brightest, most positive and most passionate in this group, you likely won’t be able to live up to your own potential. I love to surround myself with people that challenge me to be better, that have patterns of success in areas that I don’t and that are absolutely sold out to the idea of living a better life.

“There is no passion to be found in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” – Nelson Mandela

Does this mean you only interact with positive people and just shut out all negative people or those that aren’t “good enough?” Absolutely not. This mindset is all about the very short list of those that you are choosing to invite into your life and whom you are investing in. These are your friends, your confidants, your ambassadors and your battle buddies.

This isn’t about being an elitist and not showing care or value for those that are struggling. I care deeply for people. I spend much of my time seeking to help others and build them up. I just think we should be uber selective with the few people that you do allow to influence you and to speak into your life.

The short list of people that you use for advice, for consultation and for confession. The group of people that you allow into the very small moments of free time that you have. That you allow to know you deeply and speak to you freely. This group of people, if chosen correctly and intentionally will forever change your life.

Being selective and choosing the best people means living a life where amazing people want to be in your life.

“The only way to get better is to have better people in your life.”

How do you determine who to spend your time with? You must choose:

• People that value you and value your time
• People that want to make an impact on the world
• People that want to grow, improve and change
• People who thrive on positivity, who have passion and who seek adventure from their life
• People who have patterns of success in areas you most want to learn
• People who aren’t perfect but who are humble
• People that seek to lift up others and bring the best out in others
• People that are always learning, always leading and always willing to listen

How do you determine who NOT to spend your time with? Do not choose:

• People that don’t value you or your time
• People that are negative, toxic, judgmental, and who lack integrity
• People who are more concerned about themselves and rarely about you
• People that want to bring you and others down to feel better about themselves
• People that blame others, have excuses and seem to be constant victims
• People who think they are perfect and expect you to be as well
• People that don’t need to learn and have all of the answers

Lead Well, Lead Often & LEAD STRONG!

In my post from last week, I got a little crabby about all of the talk about generations. I won’t deny that the issue of multiple generations in the workplace is causing challenges (and opportunities). I certainly won’t disagree that we need to pay attention to the distinct needs of each generation and that failing to do this well has grave implications.

What I am saying is, that instead of trying to make your business, your educational institution, your health care facility or your church relevant you should seek to make the generational divide irrelevant. Stop building a “millennial friendly” marketing campaign and start meeting the needs of your customers. Stop trying to add a hipster vibe to your enterprise and start over delivering and over serving those you are entrusted to serve.

Here is a list of 10 ways to make the generation mix irrelevant.

1. Anticipate needs

Hockey great Wayne Gretzky said his key to his success was to “Skate to where the puck will be, not where it is.” The same is true here. Anticipate what your employees will want from their employment experience. Ask them today what they are looking for tomorrow. Ask young workers and not so young workers. Ask those coming into your workplace and those leaving. Ask those you want but don’t want you and then keep listening and keep asking.

2. Recruit your current employees

Let’s think of recruitment like dating or courtship. You put your best foot forward when dating. You have fun, share experiences, and get to know one another. Then the wedding bells ring and the real work begins. It’s the same at work, recruitment is exciting and the real work Focus on actively recruiting your current workforce by showing you value them, appreciate them and you care about them. People all want to be known and needed. Look at each individual on your org chart and ask yourself, “Does this person feel known and needed?”

3. Help everyone achieve their goals

If you have an employee that dreams of owning their own business or getting into management do what you can to help them achieve their dreams. If they want to learn skills and build a portfolio of results to get their job, help them do that. Yes, you may lose them as they pursue their dream, but along the way, you have a great protégé that is going to be eager to learn and perform.

4. Get over yourself – put your employees first.

Don’t ever take your employees for granted and expect they love working for you or your company as much as you do. Having a customer centric organization is good but having an employee first culture is transformational. One is the effect and the other a cause. If you have an employee first (cause) organization you will in turn have a great customer centric (effect) culture. Look at your decisions, policies and overall practices and ask “Is this best for the employees?”

5. Get comfortable with Quid Pro Quo

Loyalty today is defined as what can you do for me? This is ok and it is reality. We think of quid pro quo as a bad thing when really it isn’t. Everything is a tradeoff. You are asking for more time and energy from your employees so it is fair that they should get something in return. You are giving them a good job, decent pay and opportunities to build skills, it should be ok that you expect something in return for them. The best part of this quid pro quo mindset is that it goes both ways. It should be a contest to see who is getting the better end of the deal, you or your employees.

6. Fire people – regularly

This sounds harsh, but it isn’t. Most organizations with more than 30 employees have someone that probably shouldn’t be there. It isn’t that they are bad people necessarily but they have actively disengaged and are doing more harm than good. This could have been a hiring mistake, a training mistake or just a natural cycle of life. If you have let them know their performance isn’t up to par, you’ve given them tools and training to succeed, you have put them in roles that focus on their strengths and they still aren’t performing, it’s time to cut them loose. Don’t hold people hostage that don’t want to be a contributor to your organization. Do them and the rest of your employees a favor.

I realize that it’s not this easy for some organizations or in different countries but the fact remains, actively disengaged employees do more harm than good. Do something about it. You owe it to everyone else.

7. Stop the programs

Generally speaking, there is nothing wrong with wellness initiatives, company picnics, bowling parties and lunch-n-learns. However, when these are management or HR initiatives and not driven and brought about by the employees, they are not valued as much. Find people with passions and desires to do something and put resources and support behind them. Employee run initiatives trump management programs every time.

8. Embrace and celebrate differences

“The same level of thinking that got you into this problem won’t get you out of it.” Albert Einstein

Different thinking and different approaches are critical to a thriving environment. One of the reasons why the generational clash exists is because we allow it. We allow finger pointing, blaming and complaining. Put people of different skills, knowledge and experiences in positions to learn from one another. Create opportunities for idea sharing and make it easy for people to share their perspectives so others can learn from them and value them.

9. Standards not rules

At the SHRM conference Coach K said he prefers standards over rules. Rules you must obey, standards you seek to uphold. AMEN. Again, rules generally are set by management and enforced by management. Standards typically are set by team members and enforced by them as well. Rules tend to stay static and not change, standards on the other hand may change as often as each new situation demands.

10. Invest in leaders

The success of your teams, your departments, your locations, divisions and regions isn’t dependent on your company policies or processes. Your differential advantage or strategic initiatives don’t point to your success. The leaders of each of these groups are the answer to your success. Invest in them. As Marcus Buckingham says, “We don’t need leadership, we need leaders.” Find yours and invest heavily in them.

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they allow disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children now are tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”

SOCRATES

Trust must be given, not earned, but I’m not advocating blind trust.

My wife and I have four boys: Christian, Preston, Jackson, and Lincoln. When they were little, the street in front of our house was completely off-limits. The risk was too great. But if they were still afraid to cross the street as thirteen-year-olds, or twenty-year-olds, we’d have a problem. I want my boys to wisely take risks that are worth taking, and to not live in fear. But I don’t want them to walk across the street with their eyes closed. I want them to have their eyes wide open and look both ways. And then to walk forward.

In the same way, I’m not asking you to plunge ahead foolishly, but to make a mature, calculated, thoughtful decision to trust because you’ve decided the benefits outweigh the risks.

By all means, be aware of red flags when you sense that someone isn’t trustworthy–they don’t necessarily mean that there’s no way forward, but you should ask where they are coming from, take more careful steps, and set appropriate boundaries.

Not blind trust. Eyes-wide-open trust.

Have you ever known anyone who seemed to think that trust was a sign of weakness, and that putting themselves in a vulnerable position would make them needy? The truth is entirely the opposite.

The decision to trust is a profoundly free act.

Only a confident, secure, courageous person can choose to trust.

Far from being a sign of weakness, mature vulnerability can only come from a place of strength.

For those situations when it doesn’t seem reasonable to give trust or where there are areas of concern with other parties involved in your relationship, you can approach the situation with your eyes wide open.

1. Determine what is not safe

If you find yourself in a situation where giving trust or entering into the relationship is questionable, determine what it is that makes it questionable. Get to the root and give it a name. Is there question with integrity, are there illegal activities, does violence or harm concern you? If you can pinpoint the area(s) of question, you will be better able to create the boundaries and plan going forward.

2. Determine what is safe

What is the good or the safe part of the relationship? Just like you determined what is not safe, do the same for what actually is good. Is the integrity of the individual good? Are they fully competent? Do they have a good heart and a strong desire to do what is right? Whatever it is, focus on it and draw attention to the good.

3. Create clear (but few) boundaries

Boundaries don’t keep you from playing the game, they allow you to play the game. Creating boundaries is not easy but sometimes it is critical. Determine the few boundaries that will make the relationship safe and use them for managing the relationship. If you are in a position of authority, your boundaries may look very different from when you are not. If someone is verbally abusive, the boundary might be that you won’t accept the verbal abuse and when they do, you simply walk away. If someone fails to meet deadlines time after time, you may ask them to report on progress of their projects at various milestones along the way.

4. Take a step

You will never get closer to someone if you don’t take a step towards them. Hoping and wanting doesn’t decrease the distance between you and another person. You must decide (you want high trust) and then do (take a trust step towards them).

In case you think that I can’t identify with the difficulty of boundaries, let me share a story from my personal life. In the post The Big Lie About Trust I promised I would address the crazies in your life. Many years ago we were friends with a couple and there were some areas of concern with the past of one of them. We were close and hoped for a life-long relationship with them. The concerns we had weren’t just questions or speculation – they were well founded and also shared by some of their own family members, several of their close friends and even the court of law had ruled and delivered a permanent restraining order to this individual. Without going into specifics, these areas of concern caused us to not feel comfortable leaving our children alone with them. The information that we had learned and our concerns alone didn’t make them bad people and we actually never thought badly about the individual. We just had discernment that it wouldn’t be wise or safe to allow our kids to be alone with them.

It is possible to love, respect and care for someone AND not allow your kids to be alone. The boundary that we created was that as long as I was there, the kids could be there. If I wasn’t there, it wasn’t OK. We didn’t expect them to do bad things or cause harm, we just weren’t willing to take the risk.

In this environment, we determined the boundaries and then within those boundaries, we could have a full relationship. These boundaries weren’t created to prohibit our relationship, they were actually create so we could have a relationship.

I wish I could report that this relationship is thriving and healthy. The fact is, about 6 years into our relationship using these boundaries, they felt hurt and angered and didn’t see the boundaries as protective, but rather as damning. They have chosen to not be in relationship with us and in the end, we both loose because of this.

Don’t go blindly into relationships. Don’t close your eyes and walk unaware into situations but also, don’t cripple yourself with doubt and fear. Walk into the relationship, look both ways and take steps forward with confidence.

Lead Well, Lead Often and LEAD STRONG!

If trust isn’t something that is earned, then how do we approach relationships so we don’t get hurt, abused, or simply taken advantage of? This is the question that most often comes with the exposure of the big lie. Also, you may be thinking of 3 or 30 people that you think — no you know — would take advantage of you if you simply gave them your trust.

Let me address that but not yet… (this is for the next post)

Since we can’t keep score, it’s time to submit your resignation letter as Trust Referee of your relationships. Time to stop keeping tabs of who is ahead and who is behind. If you are like me, this won’t be easy. I trust ref my friends, I trust ref my colleagues, and I even trust ref my wife. I love my wife very much. We have been married for more than 17 years, we have four wonderful children together, and are truly best friends. But I still struggle with the mind-shift of not keeping score on a daily basis.

I want nothing more than to see my wife thrive. To see her vibrant and doing what she loves. I want her to be encouraged and loved in a deep way — and then I become a bonehead. I find myself counting up my good deeds and her not-so-good deeds. I hope that you can’t identify with this. But, chances are you can. Giving trust without keeping a record of rights and wrongs isn’t easy, but it is essential to win the war for relationships at home and at work.

Love is supposed to keep no record of wrongs. Love is supposed to endure, it is supposed to last beyond the moment or temporary satisfaction. I think trust is like love. Trust should keep no record of wrongs. Once you’ve made a decision to trust someone, once you’ve decided that winning at that relationship is non-negotiable, you have to stop keeping score—whether the relationship is with your spouse or your colleague. Stop keeping track of how much more work you get done, how many times you hold your tongue or how many good ideas you present at meetings.

It will still bother you when your colleague is late or your boss discounts your opinion. It will hurt when a colleague steals your idea for their own or when you get passed over for a promotion or opportunity by someone that doesn’t seem to play fair.

Not keeping score doesn’t mean ignoring a bad situation. Healthy conflict can be necessary. Address the situation with wisdom—but don’t make trust conditional upon a person’s good score. Trust them. If conflict does need to happen, it will go much better when it happens from a place of trust.

The number one reason why trust cannot be earned is that even if we could find a perfect way to keep score of the performance of every one of our colleagues, no one could do enough good things to guarantee that they wouldn’t disappoint us in the future.

Trust has never existed in a risk-free environment. No matter how well you know someone, given enough opportunities, everyone will fall short in some way or another. If that’s not a reality you’re willing to accept, then you’re never going to have high-trust relationships. At some point, one of the parties involved has to take the risk of giving trust.

Nobody comes to the discussion on trust empty handed. We all have strong feelings about it. We know how it feels when trust is misused, betrayed, or withheld. Our perspectives are real and have been informed by a lifetime of experiences, pain and broken relationships. Sometimes these conclusions are helpful and sometimes they hold us hostage.

Over the years I’ve come to a surprising conclusion: our most popular theories about trust are often untrue and almost always unhelpful.

What I’m going to share will likely go against everything you’ve ever heard or thought about trust. Of all the flawed theories flying around about trust, there is one that is more prevalent and also more damaging than any other:

Trust’s Big Lie: Trust is something that is earned.

The Truth on Trust: Trust can’t be earned. It can only be given.

I know, I know. This is a lie that even I have believed for most of my life. The problem with it is that it just doesn’t make sense.

When we’re deciding how much to trust someone, we usually ask ourselves whether they have earned our trust. That seems like the smart thing to do. Until they earn it, we withhold trust to protect ourselves. We put protective policies in place. We micromanage to maintain control and create limits and boundaries to our relationships.

But the truth is, trust can never be earned. Trust can only be given.

Trust is the responsibility of the person who wants high trust. If you want others to trust you – it’s your responsibility. If you want to be able to trust others – it’s your responsibility. If you are committed to giving and building trust, and determined to overcome any obstacles that stand in your way, you will win high trust. If you work patiently and with perseverance to lead your team towards a high-trust, high-performance culture, you can see it happen. Ten of the most powerful two-letter words in the English language are: If it is to be, it is up to me. If you are to have high trust in your relationships, it starts and ends with you.

I fully realize that this line of thinking might make you squirm. When I’m working with my clients or speaking on this topic, this is where everyone starts to jump out of their seats.

Over the next few posts, I will outline why this lie is damaging, how you can better approach trust and give you a vocabulary for making this thinking stick.

For now, ponder these 5 reasons why trust cannot be earned:

DISCLAIMER: (as requested to provide to readers by my wife)

This line of thinking isn’t for those people in your life that will take great advantage (or who have) of you. This line of thinking isn’t for casual encounters, and it certainly doesn’t mean you post your banking information on the bumper of your car. This line of thinking is for people that you are in personal relationship with, that you care to have high trust with, and where winning the relationship game is key. We will talk about the crazies in another post.

1. Earning trust requires keeping score. Every time you keep score you create a winner and a loser. In the game of relationships, this only leaves losers.
2. When you wait for people to earn your trust, you are not sharing your scoring system. Nobody knows how to win and therefore can’t meet your unspoken needs.
3. It is impossible to be good enough, long enough, and consistent enough to keep in high standings. Everyone falls short and the journey to earn trust has no end in sight.
4. Earning trust is me-focused and you-focused. The more I focus on me and what I need, want and desire in a relationship, the less room there is for me to give you what you need, want and desire. In essence, making people earn trust is a selfish act.
5. Relationships and teams are messy. There are challenges and struggles with most all of them. A you-must-earn-trust model does not incentivize you to be a better you, to offer the benefit of the doubt, and to serve those around you.

I realize you may not totally agree, but stay with me awhile. Dig into the principles and ideas around trust with me and let’s create a new way of thinking and more importantly, a new way of doing together.

Lead Well, Lead Often and LEAD STRONG!

Where have all of the responsible people gone? We are living in a society where blame and finger pointing have overtaken ownership and accountability. Not a day goes by where we don’t see evidence of someone blaming someone else for the problems in their life. Personal ownership is an old fashioned value and one that doesn’t seem to be encouraged or embraced.

Parents blame their kids teachers because they are not learning manners or getting the grades they expect. Sales people blame market conditions or busy decision maker’s schedules for not making a sale. Citizens blame too much taxation or not enough for why our economy isn’t flourishing like we think it should.

Blame is the game, and everyone seems to be playing it.

I didn’t grow up in this environment. My mom was a tough-love mom, and she challenged me to be my best and to own my life. My dad encouraged me to pursue my passion and to be the best me that I could be. They weren’t perfect, but they instilled a sense of responsibility and ownership. “It’s not my fault” was not an acceptable phrase nor one that we were often tempted to utter in our home.

Today, as I look at the news and watch the landscape of society, it seems this little idea of being personally responsible for your life has little value. People seem to be looking for ways to express frustration and hurt and are rarely encouraged to be the best me that they can be.

I mentioned in the post “Stop being so Damned Offended” (link to post) we are living in the most offended society ever. I began to wonder why this is. Why is it so easy and so accepted to be offended? The following certainly isn’t a complete list but I do think it speaks to where offense lives and where it grows. Consider these areas and determine if you are affected by any of them.

1. You don’t know how to disagree with someone, and also respect them

A simple disagreement today has become equivalent to hate. In an effort to show value to others and live a life that is tolerant of others we have lost the art of simply disagreeing.

2. You care more about yourself than others. Your focus is always on how things affect you

If your life is all about me how can it ever be about we? This self-centeredness only sets you up for disappointment. In the words of Zig Ziglar…

“You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want”

3. You believe in free speech (for you but not for others)

This goes in hand with #1 and is usually masked by passion and position. Too many people fight for their right to be heard and to speak up and out, but they don’t value it in others. Leaders shut down their team members when they are challenged. Team members lose the respect of their teammates when they steal the air in meetings and don’t allow room for others to contribute.

4. You have unspoken expectations

If my expectation is that you stand up for me in a meeting and fight for funding for our project and you don’t, it is easy to be offended. Have you ever had an expectation of a friend, family member, or spouse that was very clear to you but not to them? Unless you share your expectations, you should forfeit your right to be offended.

5. You beat yourself up long before anyone else gets a chance to

Self-doubt, fear, and lack of confidence will all do a good job of beating you up. After you have beaten yourself up for whatever reason, it won’t take much for someone else to come along with a comment, suggestion, or expressed frustration to bring some offense to you.

6. You live in a constant state of pain, frustration, or anger

This leaves your nerves exposed so when someone slightly bumps into you, this hurts more than it should. As someone living out of sorts, you don’t regularly experience your best so therefore you are more offended by little issues and challenges because you are starting at a bad place to begin with.

In order to live a life of high accountability and personal responsibility you must seek peace and unity in your relationships. Both your personal and professional ones. Care and concern for others can’t thrive in a narcissistic society. When I can place blame and avoid responsibility why would I ever be motivated to change?

The best way to make sure the blame game stops is to stop playing it. It’s no fun to play a game when no one else is interested.

Lead well, lead often & LEAD STRONG.

Yep, I said it. We live in the most offended society to ever grace the planet. Political correctness has overtaken the day and in my (limited) research, I have found about 5 people that are actually in favor of political correctness. Everyone else hates it, yet they regularly participate in it. We are careful what we say so we don’t offend someone. We put up false walls and dangerous barriers so we don’t hurt others and step on their toes. In doing so we are losing the ability to be real, to be authentic, and to be vulnerable.

We can’t go a week without hearing a sound bite or seeing a video of some public figure saying and doing something stupid. We call for their job, demand their apology, and cry for the grievances to be righted. Let me ask you this: could you go one week with every thought, word, and action being taped and be shown blameless at the end of the week? Me neither.

Several years ago a good friend of mine said “One of the kindest things you can do to someone is to be willing to offend them.” The truth is, how much would you have to dislike someone to not share something that may offend them. Likely you are doing this because you care for them. Because you love them. Because you want them to be better. Your intention isn’t bad, it’s quite opposite.

If I have a huge stem of broccoli hanging between my teeth, I want to know that. If I am saying things or doing things that are hurtful or ignorant of others’ feelings, I need to know that. Me not wanting to hear these things doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t share them.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think we should be hurtful and mean, but we should be willing to say something that could possibly offend the other party because it is the best, most kind thing to do at the time.

I’m also not equating being offended with being sensitive. My family members are sensitive. My friends are sensitive, my clients are sensitive. Heck, even I am sensitive. Being sensitive shows your care and your compassion. Being sensitive is a natural response to what matters to you. Being personally offended shows a lack of personal resilience and strength. Being offended shifts blame and responsibility from you to someone else.

When you are constantly personally offended, you are in essence saying “I give you power over my feelings and I don’t care to take responsibility for my life.” It shows just how willing you are to let others affect how you feel and to determine your level of self-worth.

To be offended is to be baited or trapped into a situation where you are held captive by another and where bitterness and unforgiveness can thrive.

In order to live a life less offended here are a few suggestions:

1. Start putting others first. By focusing on others first, you’ll have less energy to be consumed with how others are letting you down.
2. Start being grateful and thankful. If you look for things to be grateful for, you will find them. Change your outlook and you will have less to be offended about.
3. Start believing the best in others. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume their intentions are good.
4. Stop controlling others. Focus on controlling yourself and giving others more freedom, which will lead to healthier relationships.
5. Stop holding grudges. You can still be frustrated, sensitive, and even angry but you can’t continue to hold these emotions over time. Experience the pain but don’t hold on to it.

Lead well, lead often, LEAD STRONG!