Play the Odds – 5 strategies for overcoming your fear of trust

Yep, I said it. We live in the most offended society to ever grace the planet. Political correctness has overtaken the day and in my (limited) research, I have found about 5 people that are actually in favor of political correctness. Everyone else hates it, yet they regularly participate in it. We are careful what we say so we don’t offend someone. We put up false walls and dangerous barriers so we don’t hurt others and step on their toes. In doing so we are losing the ability to be real, to be authentic, and to be vulnerable.

We can’t go a week without hearing a sound bite or seeing a video of some public figure saying and doing something stupid. We call for their job, demand their apology, and cry for the grievances to be righted. Let me ask you this: could you go one week with every thought, word, and action being taped and be shown blameless at the end of the week? Me neither.

Several years ago a good friend of mine said “One of the kindest things you can do to someone is to be willing to offend them.” The truth is, how much would you have to dislike someone to not share something that may offend them. Likely you are doing this because you care for them. Because you love them. Because you want them to be better. Your intention isn’t bad, it’s quite opposite.

If I have a huge stem of broccoli hanging between my teeth, I want to know that. If I am saying things or doing things that are hurtful or ignorant of others’ feelings, I need to know that. Me not wanting to hear these things doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t share them.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think we should be hurtful and mean, but we should be willing to say something that could possibly offend the other party because it is the best, most kind thing to do at the time.

I’m also not equating being offended with being sensitive. My family members are sensitive. My friends are sensitive, my clients are sensitive. Heck, even I am sensitive. Being sensitive shows your care and your compassion. Being sensitive is a natural response to what matters to you. Being personally offended shows a lack of personal resilience and strength. Being offended shifts blame and responsibility from you to someone else.

When you are constantly personally offended, you are in essence saying “I give you power over my feelings and I don’t care to take responsibility for my life.” It shows just how willing you are to let others affect how you feel and to determine your level of self-worth.

To be offended is to be baited or trapped into a situation where you are held captive by another and where bitterness and unforgiveness can thrive.

In order to live a life less offended here are a few suggestions:

1. Start putting others first. By focusing on others first, you’ll have less energy to be consumed with how others are letting you down.
2. Start being grateful and thankful. If you look for things to be grateful for, you will find them. Change your outlook and you will have less to be offended about.
3. Start believing the best in others. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume their intentions are good.
4. Stop controlling others. Focus on controlling yourself and giving others more freedom, which will lead to healthier relationships.
5. Stop holding grudges. You can still be frustrated, sensitive, and even angry but you can’t continue to hold these emotions over time. Experience the pain but don’t hold on to it.

Lead well, lead often, LEAD STRONG!

Where have all of the responsible people gone? We are living in a society where blame and finger pointing have overtaken ownership and accountability. Not a day goes by where we don’t see evidence of someone blaming someone else for the problems in their life. Personal ownership is an old fashioned value and one that doesn’t seem to be encouraged or embraced.

Parents blame their kids teachers because they are not learning manners or getting the grades they expect. Sales people blame market conditions or busy decision maker’s schedules for not making a sale. Citizens blame too much taxation or not enough for why our economy isn’t flourishing like we think it should.

Blame is the game, and everyone seems to be playing it.

I didn’t grow up in this environment. My mom was a tough-love mom, and she challenged me to be my best and to own my life. My dad encouraged me to pursue my passion and to be the best me that I could be. They weren’t perfect, but they instilled a sense of responsibility and ownership. “It’s not my fault” was not an acceptable phrase nor one that we were often tempted to utter in our home.

Today, as I look at the news and watch the landscape of society, it seems this little idea of being personally responsible for your life has little value. People seem to be looking for ways to express frustration and hurt and are rarely encouraged to be the best me that they can be.

I mentioned in the post “Stop being so Damned Offended” (link to post) we are living in the most offended society ever. I began to wonder why this is. Why is it so easy and so accepted to be offended? The following certainly isn’t a complete list but I do think it speaks to where offense lives and where it grows. Consider these areas and determine if you are affected by any of them.

1. You don’t know how to disagree with someone, and also respect them

A simple disagreement today has become equivalent to hate. In an effort to show value to others and live a life that is tolerant of others we have lost the art of simply disagreeing.

2. You care more about yourself than others. Your focus is always on how things affect you

If your life is all about me how can it ever be about we? This self-centeredness only sets you up for disappointment. In the words of Zig Ziglar…

“You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want”

3. You believe in free speech (for you but not for others)

This goes in hand with #1 and is usually masked by passion and position. Too many people fight for their right to be heard and to speak up and out, but they don’t value it in others. Leaders shut down their team members when they are challenged. Team members lose the respect of their teammates when they steal the air in meetings and don’t allow room for others to contribute.

4. You have unspoken expectations

If my expectation is that you stand up for me in a meeting and fight for funding for our project and you don’t, it is easy to be offended. Have you ever had an expectation of a friend, family member, or spouse that was very clear to you but not to them? Unless you share your expectations, you should forfeit your right to be offended.

5. You beat yourself up long before anyone else gets a chance to

Self-doubt, fear, and lack of confidence will all do a good job of beating you up. After you have beaten yourself up for whatever reason, it won’t take much for someone else to come along with a comment, suggestion, or expressed frustration to bring some offense to you.

6. You live in a constant state of pain, frustration, or anger

This leaves your nerves exposed so when someone slightly bumps into you, this hurts more than it should. As someone living out of sorts, you don’t regularly experience your best so therefore you are more offended by little issues and challenges because you are starting at a bad place to begin with.

In order to live a life of high accountability and personal responsibility you must seek peace and unity in your relationships. Both your personal and professional ones. Care and concern for others can’t thrive in a narcissistic society. When I can place blame and avoid responsibility why would I ever be motivated to change?

The best way to make sure the blame game stops is to stop playing it. It’s no fun to play a game when no one else is interested.

Lead well, lead often & LEAD STRONG.

Nobody comes to the discussion on trust empty handed. We all have strong feelings about it. We know how it feels when trust is misused, betrayed, or withheld. Our perspectives are real and have been informed by a lifetime of experiences, pain and broken relationships. Sometimes these conclusions are helpful and sometimes they hold us hostage.

Over the years I’ve come to a surprising conclusion: our most popular theories about trust are often untrue and almost always unhelpful.

What I’m going to share will likely go against everything you’ve ever heard or thought about trust. Of all the flawed theories flying around about trust, there is one that is more prevalent and also more damaging than any other:

Trust’s Big Lie: Trust is something that is earned.

The Truth on Trust: Trust can’t be earned. It can only be given.

I know, I know. This is a lie that even I have believed for most of my life. The problem with it is that it just doesn’t make sense.

When we’re deciding how much to trust someone, we usually ask ourselves whether they have earned our trust. That seems like the smart thing to do. Until they earn it, we withhold trust to protect ourselves. We put protective policies in place. We micromanage to maintain control and create limits and boundaries to our relationships.

But the truth is, trust can never be earned. Trust can only be given.

Trust is the responsibility of the person who wants high trust. If you want others to trust you – it’s your responsibility. If you want to be able to trust others – it’s your responsibility. If you are committed to giving and building trust, and determined to overcome any obstacles that stand in your way, you will win high trust. If you work patiently and with perseverance to lead your team towards a high-trust, high-performance culture, you can see it happen. Ten of the most powerful two-letter words in the English language are: If it is to be, it is up to me. If you are to have high trust in your relationships, it starts and ends with you.

I fully realize that this line of thinking might make you squirm. When I’m working with my clients or speaking on this topic, this is where everyone starts to jump out of their seats.

Over the next few posts, I will outline why this lie is damaging, how you can better approach trust and give you a vocabulary for making this thinking stick.

For now, ponder these 5 reasons why trust cannot be earned:

DISCLAIMER: (as requested to provide to readers by my wife)

This line of thinking isn’t for those people in your life that will take great advantage (or who have) of you. This line of thinking isn’t for casual encounters, and it certainly doesn’t mean you post your banking information on the bumper of your car. This line of thinking is for people that you are in personal relationship with, that you care to have high trust with, and where winning the relationship game is key. We will talk about the crazies in another post.

1. Earning trust requires keeping score. Every time you keep score you create a winner and a loser. In the game of relationships, this only leaves losers.
2. When you wait for people to earn your trust, you are not sharing your scoring system. Nobody knows how to win and therefore can’t meet your unspoken needs.
3. It is impossible to be good enough, long enough, and consistent enough to keep in high standings. Everyone falls short and the journey to earn trust has no end in sight.
4. Earning trust is me-focused and you-focused. The more I focus on me and what I need, want and desire in a relationship, the less room there is for me to give you what you need, want and desire. In essence, making people earn trust is a selfish act.
5. Relationships and teams are messy. There are challenges and struggles with most all of them. A you-must-earn-trust model does not incentivize you to be a better you, to offer the benefit of the doubt, and to serve those around you.

I realize you may not totally agree, but stay with me awhile. Dig into the principles and ideas around trust with me and let’s create a new way of thinking and more importantly, a new way of doing together.

Lead Well, Lead Often and LEAD STRONG!